5 Manliest Commercials of Super Bowl XLVII

Best Super Bowl commercials? Who cares! What about the MANLIEST Super Bowl commercials?

Every year as I prepare to watch the new crop of ads birthed into our collective consciousness I wonder: “what will advertisers have to say about men this year?” Now that the Super Bowl is done and advertisers have had their say, it’s time to answer that very question. To do this, lets look at the 5 “manliest” commercials of Super Bowl XLVII and contemplate their not-so-hidden meanings:

#5

The devil offers the young man a Benz “and everything that comes with it,” okay what comes with it? Women, lots of women. Oh and fame, which of course brings more women. Because women, like the car, are trophies. Hooray trophies! In the end this commercial is no different than the typical Axe, Go Daddy or beer ad; buy our product get lots of girls. The product in this case just happens to cost a lot more.

When I watch this commercial, I like to change the ending in my head. In my version, after the devil’s done with his pitch the young man looks disgustedly at him, grabs the contract off the table and Lonely Island style throws it on the ground while yelling: “I’m not a part of your system!” Poof! The devil disappears. That ugly car disappears. Sexism ends.

 

#4

What’s more important to this father than caring for and spend time with his child? Football with “the guys.” Being the adaptive sort, when neither pleas for attention nor a daughter’s love convince daddy to spend time with her, the girl resorts to plan C. No, not cuteness; a bag of Doritos. If it takes an amalgam of food coloring and MSG to convince you to put your child first, you might be a bad father. Maybe if the girl were a Clydesdale he would have been more attentive? By the way, if the mother is out grocery shopping, and he’s out playing football who’s watching the little girl? She doesn’t seem old enough to babysit herself.

Anyway, a few chips later and he’s totally into playing dress-up (Doritos… they’re apparently a hell of a drug!). Of course we’re supposed to find the sight of him (and later his buddies) in dresses and makeup funny, because men in dresses = funny (what century are we in again?).

 

#3

Based on the standard; male hero rescues attractive damsel in distress trope, the commercial takes what seems like a weird turn at the end if you don’t know what Axe is up to. For those who haven’t heard yet; Axe is holding a competition to send a civilian into space. Thus the sudden appearance of an astronaut at the end of the commercial. This however does not explain why the lifeguard decided to beat the shit out of the poor shark. Absurd or not, the message was clear; even the hansomest, shark-fightingest lifeguard is no match for the manliness of an astronaut… use Axe, become an astronaut and get the sexy girls to lust after you and not that guy. Typical Axe. Typical crap.

 

#2

In this commercial titled Getaway a man attempts to quietly sneak away from the woman he (presumably) had a one night stand with. Why would he do this? Is he commitment-phobic? Is she not attractive enough for him? Perhaps one of them is cheating? Or, maybe it’s something worse, something more nefarious? She does appear to be passed out after all… We’re left with no choice but to speculate about this man’s true motivations. We do know however that this guy isn’t brave enough to wake the woman with the fuzzy handcuffs in order to get his comfy shirt back. Instead he’d rather try and undress the passed out woman then sneak out unnoticed.

Look, to this man a high quality shirt is just that important (as it should be to all men, according to Gilden). The passed out woman he (presumably) slept with the night before? Not so much. Meanwhile, the cat just wishes the guy would stop acting like a chicken and become a chicken so it can kill and eat him, like it’s done so many times before.

And now I present to you the “manliest” commercial of Superbowl XLVII. This one tells the story of a privileged but emasculated young man and a special night in his life:

 

#1

Our emasculated teen is subject to ridicule from his young sister and pity filled support from his overly protective mother. Even worse, he’s doomed to a dateless prom. Things start to turn around for our young hero when his distant father suddenly appears with lessons on manliness (in the form of an Audi) to pass down from father to son. With a sly little nod and toss of the keys, father says: “hey son, have fun tonight,” which is secret man code for: “here son, this will put hair on your balls. Now go raise some hell!”

Our hero, now rescued from complete emasculation thanks to his father’s intervention, sits in the car and immediately begins to feel a tingle in his loins. Manliness approaches. Controlling that Audi; the power, the beauty, unleashes the boy’s inner beast. His manhood is blossoming. To prove this, he parks in the principal’s spot (he’s powerful and in charge now… also rebellious which makes him sexy) then storms into the dance, wades through the colorless crowd (plus one token black kid) and proceeds to sexually assault the prom queen. She of course enjoys being sexually assaulted, but the prom king and his token black sidekick don’t enjoy watching it. Our privileged young hero has taken what is “theirs” and their justice is swift.

Our hero now bears the mark of a true man; the blackened eye, a universal symbol of a fight well fought (or a solid ass kicking). With a final orgasmic, rebel yell, our hero rides off into the distant night, now fully man. A man who will likely commit sexual assault again. The tag line? “Bravery, It’s what defines us.” Instead, I’d like to propose: “Sexual Assault, I’m never buying an Audi.”

 

Honorable Mention:

This commercial didn’t make my top 5 list, but I feel it still needs some… scorn? Ridicule? I don’t know but watching 11 seconds of this Go Daddy sponsored kiss was enough to gross out most of America on Sunday night. Depending on where you get your gossip, it took either 45 or 65 takes to get the kiss right. Apparently everyone lost count?

Another fact you may find interesting; actor Jesse Heiman, the man kissing model Bar Refaeli, reportedly said in an interview that he felt like he had won “the championship of men…” there goes that woman as trophy foolishness again. Consider also the ad’s slogan; “smart meets sexy” (men are smart, women be sexy). In the end I have to agree with America, the whole thing is just gross.

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